The other night I wanted to make my fiancée and I a nice dinner of steak, garlic mashed potatoes and steamed asparagus. With my battle-hardened barbecue buried under a mountain of snow at a top secret location, I attempted to cook the steak using the oven. I’ve watched enough Hell’s Kitchen to know that you can cook a steak in an oven and, if some cafeteria janitor can do it, then surely I can too.
To start, I consulted the Internet. Let me say this, the Internet needs to get together on the best way to cook a steak in an oven. Varying temperatures, cook times, pan recommendations – look, this isn’t rocket science, I’m cooking meat here. The formula is simple:
Meat + Radiant Heat = Delicious
Anyway, I seared the marinated steaks on each side for 30 seconds, tossed them in a pyrex dish, and shot it into the oven at 400F for 5 minutes a side on the advice of the Internet. After those 10 minutes I busted out my trusty meat thermometer for a meat safety check. The outlook of my survival post-consumption was bleak so the steaks went back in the oven for 5 minutes. Then another 5 minutes. Finally my meat safety meter indicated a low-risk of incidence and I dished up what was, to be sure, a delicious meal.
Holy shit, have you ever tried to eat a boot? No amount of marinade or barbecue sauce was going to mask the fact that the steak had the consistency of a saddle and the taste of a playground tire. And if that wasn’t enough, the smell of ugly meat permeated the air in the house for hours to remind me of the insult I had just paid to otherwise good meat. Had Gordon Ramsay been around he would have thrown me out of my own house. This round was a clear decision for the cafeteria janitor. No matter, there’s still a lot of meat out there. Ladies.